The Gift of Giving
Reflections on giving, receiving, and what the future holds
Today is the first official day of my short holiday hiatus and I find myself waxing a bit sentimental and philosophical on the year’s end and what this season really is all about. I know, I know. It’s corny and perhaps might even tip into maudlin. So I hope you’ll forgive this earnest reflection, even when it gets a bit sappy.
I have always loved giving. Even when I was young, I would stay up all night putting together and wrapping presents for my family and friends. Seeing them open their gifts gave me as much joy as opening mine. I would drop off gifts to all my classmates’ doorsteps on Christmas Eve. It was never anything extravagant: just something like a candy bar or a little trinket, whatever my saved up allowance could afford. But ultimately, it was really about what giving the gift communicated to the receiver that spoke to my spirit: “I am thinking about you today. I remember you. You deserve to be thought about.”
As I got older, I became very invested in finding gifts that were unique to the individual receiver: what is it they really want? What sorts of thing do they value and treasure? What would really make them feel seen and understood? It wasn’t about getting the most expensive gift, it was about getting the most thoughtful gift. It was about saying “I know what matters to you, what speaks to you, and I am giving it to you because you deserve it and deserve to be seen today.”
This need in me to understand people and reflect that understanding back to them perhaps comes a lifetime of being misunderstood myself. Children who are labeled as “sensitive” are rarely understood. Adults who are labeled as “sensitive” don’t often fare much better. I guess I’ve just always known how tough and isolating being misunderstood can be, and I never wanted anyone in my circle to feel that I didn’t understand them. I wanted them to know that I saw them and understood them, or at the very least, I was trying my best to truly see and understand them.
It seems obvious reflecting on this why my line of work makes sense to me and has since the very beginning. It gives me an opportunity to see and understand people that have been unseen and misunderstood in the most vulnerable and intimate ways. The truth is that this realm of joy, excitement and levity has some very serious roots. Offering somebody an opportunity to carve out an intentional space to be fully seen and understood is an amazing thing to witness and be a part of. It is never lost on me that this is the true gift of companionship.
This is not the only thing I have been able to give this year, or more specifically this season. I was able to organize an event for fellow sex workers this Christmas. Community is such an incredible gift. The only time I’ve ever felt fully seen and understood has been in the company of my fellow workers. We do tend to be a group of people who were once labeled as “sensitive” as children. But the holidays can be an isolating time for some of us. Some of us are estranged from our families. Some of us have strained relationships. Some of us have nowhere to go during the holidays. Being able to offer an opportunity for us to come together to celebrate the season and to be with the people who understand us most was truly a highlight of my year.
I also am able to give my beautiful mother a gift this year: the trip to Europe she’s always dreamed of next year. (Shh! Don’t tell her! It’s a surprise!) She has worked so hard her entire life and she has been such a good caretaker to those around her and well, I saw an opportunity to grant her wish and I took it. It’s not just about the idyllic locations we’ll visit (although don’t get me wrong, it’s a big part of it) but about the quality time we’ll be able to have together in a way that says “I know what matters to you, and what matters to you matters to me.”
I cannot talk about all this while not taking a moment to think about what has been given to me through my work and, more specifically, my suitors. Without you, I would not be in a position to give to others in the ways I have this year. I would not have the comfortable, independent life that empowers me to make choices with my life and how to spend my time and money with those I care about. There was a time in my life that I didn’t have these choices, where I struggled to make ends meet and where I struggled to keep a roof over my head. I do not take that for granted. Being in a position now, after having come out the other side, I can say from the bottom of my heart, that being in the position to give now is truly the most wonderful gift of all.
Times are uncertain. This line of work always carries an air of uncertainty with it, but now it feels especially uncertain and the ground feels especially unstable. It’s hard not to ruminate on worst case scenarios sometimes. What if it I lose all my platforms? What if things permanently slow down? What if I need to dip into my savings? What if I need to postpone the trip with my mom? I am not the richest or most successful worker, and have never claimed to be. I know I am not everybody’s cup of tea. But I am comfortable. I am both comfortable financially and in my own skin. And I have so much to be grateful for. In the end, I trust my creativity, my authenticity and my tenacity to make it through.
So to end, I say a simple yet genuine thank you to each and every one of you. Thank you to those who sent me a little extra, tipped and sent gifts this holiday season. Thank you to those who sponsored the Binny’s bill for the industry holiday party. Thank you to those who sent airline and hotel gift cards when I told them of my plans to take my mother to Europe. And above all, thank you to everyone who decided to carve out a little time and space to be seen and be understood with me. Thank you to you all for being tiles in the mosaic of my journey to building a comfortable life where I am able to share with those I love. Whether we had a lavish weekend in each others arms, a romantic dinner over candlelight, or a couple of hours you had free during your busy schedule…it is all important, it is all seen, and it is all greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
PS
If you’d like some extra credit reading, or are just still in the holiday spirit, check out my Top 5 Holiday Movies.
All My Best,
Gem DeMilo
🥹🥹🥹 this is amazing writing!!! Thank you so much for sharing your presence with us virtually and offline! I really enjoyed attending your worker holiday party!!!!
I really felt this,TYSM.